Dreams and Disappointment

I've had a lot of topics on my mind lately. I think sometimes God insights passion in my soul about topics that have nothing to do with my life, in order to keep my mind stimulated and keep me moving forward. This entry is for my single sisters in Christ. It may sound offensive, cynical and too harsh, but stick with me on this one. I have been particularly bothered by a lot of things I've seen on Pinterest lately in regards to the modern-day perspective on dating, relationships, sex, love, etc. Every time I sign on, there are at least a dozen wedding ideas, engagement ring wishes, proposal fantasies, etc. And I've also found that most of the time, the people who pin these things are single and not involved with anyone. Granted, there's nothing necessarily wrong with that by itself. It's fun to dream and plan about what your life might look like, and find out what you like. That's all good. I believe our Heavenly Father delights in what excites and inspires us.

So, one might ask why I chose to discuss this. Well, with the ever-increasing rate of divorces in the US (I think it's somewhere around 50% now? Horrifying.) I can't help but wonder if we're not making the problem worse by forming unrealistic expectations about what marriage looks like. Every time that very rare person has an over-the-top proposal, it gets posted online. And thousands of people watch it and think "that's what I want. That is a realistic expectation." Here is why this is a problem:

1. There's a good chance that the man God has waiting for you is not going to appear to be an over-the-top romantic. I have known several men (some of my best friends) who are incredibly Godly men, who desire to by a Christ-like leader in a relationship, who often get blown off by girls, who opt for the guy who has a quarter of the substance and twice as much flashyness (yep, that's a word now. I'm calling it.). Why? Because we think that we know what our future looks like. Spoiler alert; we don't.

2. If we set ourselves up with all of these ridiculous expectations, we will inevitably end up disappointed. Now, forgive me for sounding cynical, but it is inevitable. I think that the majority of divorces are caused by grave disappointment - "This is not what I thought my life would look like. There must be something better out there."
As a side note, I think it's important to reiterate that it's OKAY to dream. I think it's OK to think about your future in an optimistic, excited way. But it is extremely important that our dreams are grounded in God's truth and HIS leading in our lives.

3. All of the pressure we put on ourselves by envisioning our "perfect" husbands sets us up in a dangerous way to idolize the man we marry. Which, again, will end in disappointment.

Example: When my husband and I got married 4 1/2 years ago I was not walking with the Lord as I should have been. I had a "convenient" relationship with God, but He was not the love of my life. My husband was. I had exalted my husband to a God-like position in my life, but he was a human being. How disappointing to my childish ideals! I spent several months (way too many) being resentful, bitter, and even hateful towards the man I claimed to be in love with. The reality of the situation was this: I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with who I thought he ought to be. And when he proved to be human, I felt betrayed. Utterly betrayed. And I was furious. And I spent a lot of time furious. This brought me to a place of entitlement. I thought, "well, since you've betrayed me in all these other ways, ____ is owed to me." I spent money we didn't have. I compensated for the gaps in our relationship in unhealthy ways. It wasn't until God seemed to grab my face with His hands and say "get over yourself" that I started to "get it." (I realize "get over yourself" will not be found anywhere in scripture, but sometimes He's had to use tough love with my stubborn self).

The point of consequence #3 is that nobody, even if they were given to you by God, should be your god. Not only is it hideously unfair to your spouse, it distracts you from your relationship with Christ, and a marriage that is not grounded in the word will fall.

SO, after all of that cynicism and harsh truth, what is the solution? The answer to loneliness is the adoration of our Lord. The answer to discontentment is a thankful heart. The answer to our impatience in finding our "forever" is TRUSTING that our Father has already written the story, and will be with you throughout all the chapters. The answer to our yearning to see a man on one knee is to humbly realize that a man already did propose to you, but He did it on a cross. Fall in love with your Father. Let Him tell you who you are. Let Him guide your steps. Wake up in the morning seeking His face and when you are ready, He will tell you who your spouse is. You will not have to guess! Put aside the ideals of what a perfect man looks like and stop perpetuating the myth that your spouse will look/act/behave a certain way. You can't go wrong being led by the Spirit.

"I was damaged and fearful, lost and afraid
You shattered the mirror and showed me the pain
Where you came and you got to me...
Keep me a child God, keep me a child,
I want to rely on you like a daughter would.
You healed these wounded eyes so I can see,
That I'm not this tainted world's image of me,
When I lost my way, you scoured the earth for me...
You died and rose again to set me free."