Two weeks ago, my sweet friend had to bury her second baby due to a freak accident that claimed his little life. I grieved alongside her 18 months ago when her sweet baby girl suffered a similar head injury and also passed on. Her little girl, Amariah, was almost the exact age of my daughter, almost to the day, and her death rocked my world. Since then, not a day has gone by when I have not hugged and kissed my babies multiple times, made sure they knew they were loved, and made sure that I'd been present in every precious moment of their growth and development. It changed me. It woke me up. Then her little boy, Obadiah was born, and their was healing in that for his parents, I'm sure. I was at peace knowing that some part of their hearts were restored by his life. Then, exactly three weeks ago, he pulled a piece of furniture down on top of himself and suffered a traumatic head injury. He died the next afternoon. This may seem strange, because he was not my baby, but I cried myself to sleep that night. I went into both of my babies rooms and cried, held them, and prayed over them. I couldn't fathom or wrap my mind around why God would ask someone to carry such heavy burdens. It didn't make sense.
The following week after Obi died, my daughter was emotionally wounded by a friend in a way that will affect her for the rest of her life. I felt betrayed and helpless. There comes a time in everyone's life when they realize that not everyone around them abides by the same boundaries, and that some well-intentioned people can flat out hurt you. They learn betrayal. And I had allowed my children to grow up very slowly, in the hopes that this would not happen until much later in life. I felt blindsided by this sudden ripping off of a protective band-aid I'd put in place through my parenting, and foolish for not realizing the selfishness of others could deeply affect my family.
The days that followed were dark. I kept repeating to myself the last two paragraphs of the serenity prayer; "taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, NOT AS I WOULD HAVE IT. Trusting that you will make all things right, if I surrender to your will. So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with you forever in the next." The first time this came into my head I said "no." I didn't want to accept the sinful world as it is. As far as I was concerned, the sin and the evil in the world SUCKED, and I didn't deserve to be affected by the sins and the selfishness of others. But then I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to consider... "why? Why don't you deserve it?" Well, the truth is, I don't deserve any better than anyone else. I am a sinner. I am an imperfect person who loves Jesus. The next step of my thought process was "well, fine. Well, my kids don't deserve it." Which was when the really hard pill to swallow appeared - My kids aren't perfect either. We are born sinners. Granted, there is an age of accountability where this sinful nature does not impact our spiritual destination. However, my kids disobey, my kids are selfish, my kids have lied to try and get out of trouble before. Last I checked, that's considered sin too. Ouch.
I forced myself to go to CR last week, even though I absolutely did not feel like it. Not even a little! But I knew I needed to be with my sisters in Christ. I needed to be loved on. I needed to let this burden go. So I shared and sobbed in my big group. A sweet lady who I've known for a while came up to me after and very gently said "Rebekah, you shouldn't be afraid of sorrow and you shouldn't be afraid of grief. That's where you are right now. Embrace it and let Him heal you." AH, there it is. The reason I needed to be there. She proceeded to say "I'm guessing your spiritual gift is mercy, is that accurate?" YES! I exclaimed. I hadn't even thought about my spiritual gift for a while, because when I was not walking in the Lord's will, someone said to me "I'm guessing your spiritual gift isn't mercy huh?" Anyway. I said yes, and also that I hadn't even taken that part of myself into account for some time. She said "See? This is that part of you coming back out again."
The conclusion here is that we are not promised immunity from the sin of the world we live in. We are never told that any of the battles here on earth will be easy. The sin of the world and the humanity of people around us will affect us as long as we are living here, until we are joined with our Father in eternity. Amariah and Obadiah are already experiencing the glory of eternity. They are free! Though we grieve about our loss, we are overjoyed to know we will join them someday. Until then, we will continue learning the lessons that we are asked to learn. We will cherish our children and their sweet little personalities, and take the challenges as they come. God is with us, so we can't go wrong.
"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.
Trusting that you will make all things right, if I surrender to your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with you forever in the next."
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