Marriage IS hard, but...

Over the last few days I have been seeing an article from a blog being circulated titled "Marriage Isn't Hard." Surely, I thought, it was one of those articles made with a controversial looking headline made for grabbing your attention, and the author would then explain that she meant something different. But, I was surprised to find that the author of this article was actually trying to say that marriage should not be defined as "hard," nor should this impression be circulated by the church to engaged couples and newlyweds, because marriage is sanctifying more than anything else.

Although I believe that this author had wonderful intentions when she sat down to write this, and that only being married a mere ten months doesn't necessarily disqualify someone from making assertive assessments about what marriage is and isn't, in this case, the author was wrong.

When I think of other christian couples that I know who have faced tremendous hardships throughout their several years of marriage, I have a hard time believing they'd agree with her statements. I can think of couples who have lost pregnancies/children, couples who have walked through valleys of extreme mental or physical illness, couples who have dealt with sexual issues and affairs (and still, through the help of God stayed together)... the list could go on and on. I myself fit into more than one of those categories. Yes, these issues exist in the world whether you are married or not, but it is an entirely different experience to encounter them in the most precious and intimate union you share with another person. You will put your heart in anothers' hands and it will be wrung and broken more than once. You will also wound them deeply. That is the reality of loving another. That is the reality of intimacy. This reality does not need to be thrown around in order to "scare" singles, but rather, to give them a healthy expectation of what lifelong commitment calls for.

I don't say these things to be cynical or to drop criticism on another's idea of marriage. I think the concept that marriage is purifying and sanctifying is beautiful and true. But no one has ever been truly sanctified without a struggle or hardship. No one has ever been molded to resemble Christ without being squeezed, prodded, and reformed. On the contrary, when Christ is invited into a person, He often begins tearing things out that don't inherently make any sense to us, breaking down walls and reassembling our comfort levels to where He needs them to be. This process happens again on an even deeper level when two become one. And, when two imperfect people become one, there is often even more work to be done. Again, I don't say these things to scare people. But if we begin telling singles that "marriage isn't difficult," what is a married person to think when they do encounter pain and hardship? They begin to think, "this is not normal," and "it should not be this hard,"and this is a dangerous thing to believe. A person who has been led to believe that their situation is abnormal and unnecessary, may begin to think "maybe this isn't for me." It is normal to struggle and hurt, and at certain times, it should be "that hard."  Looking back, the times when my husband and I bled, hurt, and struggled the most, are also the times when we learned to be more selfless, patient, loving, and kind.

The wonderful part about all this pain and difficulty is this: it gives us the opportunity to lean into and rely on Christ more than ever before. Some people say "God never gives you more than you can handle" and that is simply not true. He absolutely allows us to be given more than we, in our own strength, can 'handle' because it guides us to a place of surrender, which is where the christian life ought to be lived. A christian marriage union is a cord of three strands (you, your spouse and Christ) and is not easily broken. When hardships and difficulties come, we need to be being led by Him to find a solution or the strength to overcome it. Then, we will be brought to a place where we can be sanctified by Him.

The takeaway here is this; marriage is hard, but it is also wonderful, and the struggles ultimately pale in comparison to the joy that can be experienced when two people are following Christ through life together.

I'm a Christian, But...

A few days ago, a video produced by Buzzfeed started circulating and quickly got wildly popular. The video featured a few different people from different lifestyles and ethnic backgrounds attempting to debunk some of the negative, but popular opinions about Christians in today's society. Though I can appreciate the sentiment here, and I admittedly would've supported such a video a few years ago, I have recently been deeply convicted about what being a christian in today's world actually means. With all the social issues that are at large right now in America, and all the disappointment that has spurred from prominent Christian activists publicly falling, I think we need a conversation with non-believers about what Christianity actually is. Unfortunately, I don't think this video was a good starting point, because anything that does not align with scripture cannot properly represent Christianity, plain and simple.

In Romans, Paul gives the instruction, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." We live in a world that's message has evolved from, "if it feels good, do it!" to, "if it feels good, identify yourself as it." Twice in the new testament it is written, "You cannot serve two masters." Simply put, we cannot seek to please ourselves/become more like the world, and also be striving to please God and become more like Him. One cannot make their sexual preferences their core priority and the pinnacle of their identity and also proclaim that they are striving to be more like them. Regardless of what one's affliction may be, our obligation as believers is to surrender said affliction and allow Christ to shine through our weaknesses, and create in us a new identity which will never leave us as unfulfilled as the things of this world will. If our mission while on earth is to lead others to Him, we cannot say "it's OK to continue living in the mud, because God loves you anyway." Our message needs to be, "it's OK if you've been living in the mud - so was I! But I have a relationship with Christ that allowed me to step out of the mud, to get cleaned off, and to live a much more free and happy life!"

Believing that the word of God is steadfast and non-negotiable does not make you closed-minded, un-accepting, uneducated, judgmental, ignorant, or that you're placing yourself on a pedestal. Believing that there are black and white truths does not make you closed minded. It is possible to believe that homosexuality is not God's best for us, while simultaneously loving our gay neighbor. It is possible to believe that any sort of promiscuity is not God's best for us, while simultaneously loving our friend who is searching for love through physical affirmation. Our beliefs and our heart for nonbelievers should not be mutually exclusive. Our biblically-based beliefs ought to inspire and motivate us to share these truths with those around us who are living in sin because we want them to experience the same freedom we have found.

I am a Christian - and I believe that God loves everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, lifestyle, background, choices, addictions and hangups, and that because of His love for us, He gave His life so that we too could ALL be made clean through His grace. I believe that Christ desires for us to live a life that is unencumbered by past hurts, bad habits, and hangups, and that He can help us do so by making us more like Him.

I am a Christian - and I believe that we do not need modern-day feminism, because we serve a God who deeply cares for an advocates for all women. We serve a God who, during His time on earth, sought out the women who had been cast out of society, and sat and had fellowship with them, and advocated for them to the men who wanted to punish them for their promiscuous lifestyles. I believe that the instructions about our bodies, sexuality, and relationships were put in place to protect our hearts and our souls, to help us avoid shame which does not come from Christ.

I am a Christian - and I believe that we ought to be responsible for our lifestyle choices, and for the consequences (good and bad) that come from those choices.

I am a Christian - and I acknowledge that there are times when other believers have done a disservice to the world's impression of our belief system. There are times when we have been unloving and cold. There have been times that people within the church have been downright cruel to those that were hurting. This is not the way that it should be, and if you are reading this having been burned by a church or its members, please know that we are imperfect, and we are sorry. But there is a God who loves you dearly, and you can rest assured that He is willing to meet you where you're at and help you heal.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love, honor one another before yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with those that are in need. Practice hospitality... If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12

Sanctify

On facebook a few weeks ago, a friend of mine posted a status suggesting something like wanting to "denounce" modern christianity that has been distorted and morphed into something it's not supposed to be: judgmental hypocrites who sit on a lofty throne and criticize those around us... and that it's OK to be imperfect, to the extent of drinking, cursing and behaving like the world, because God did not ask for perfection from us. And because I thoroughly understand this perspective, because it is not an uncommon one, after much prayer and consideration, I have to respectfully disagree.

First off, I feel it is necessary to say that I do believe a lot of people who call themselves Christians ARE neglecting the commands in scripture to LOVE one another, forgive as we have been forgiven, and reach the world for Christ because they are stuck inside of themselves, and that is not what Christ desires for us. Hundreds of times in scripture, Jesus talked about the importance of love, who we should love, and what that love should look like. Not only did He TELL us how to love, He came to earth and SHOWED us how to love. He spent time with the people society had judged and rejected, He demonstrated love and forgiveness to those who had been cast out of their homes, and criticized the hypocritical societies that had rendered judgment against these people. Several times, He called out those hypocrites for pushing themselves into the spotlight, and practicing worship in a way that only brought glory and respect to themselves. Several sentences started with something like "did you NOT understand when I said this before?" which was the Jesus-equivalent of "did I stutter?" I love this about these passages of scripture because in His eyes, both parties (the judgmental and the judged) were living in sin and He did not hesitate to humble the proud and redeem the sinful. But (and this is a very important 'but'), they all had something in common: they were all commanded to "go and sin no more." The fact that He loved the prostitutes and the drunks and demonstrated this love to them gently did not rescue them from the responsibility to turn away from sin. The fact that He corrected them gently didn't mean that their sin was less severe than that of the judgmental jerks who felt entitled to throw stones at them. It was a demonstrative example of how they were all called to treat each other.

We live in a world that is not much different from the one Jesus walked among, we have the "Bible-thumping Southern Baptists" who don't dance, drink or miss an opportunity to repost anti-gay, pro-life propaganda on social media, and the other extreme who, if they're not gay, drinkers, drug users, or strippers, valiantly support the rights of those who are and very strongly oppose the first category of "religious people."

Clearly, I'm not being serious (so put away your pitchforks). It's never, I repeat, NEVER, that black and white, is it?

One of the big problems that is repelling the unsaved of the world is that, though the worldviews are very rarely that extreme, they do exist, and we don't do anything to correct this malformed stereotype. Instead, since we don't feel we fit into either category, we either remain lukewarm and silent, or try our best to be a church-attending Christian who "loves" the unsaved by living in moderate amounts of sin as well, so as to not make them uncomfortable. These viewpoints/behaviors are just as unhelpful (and even downright harmful) as the stone-throwers in the New Testament, because they do nothing to represent Christ or honor His commands. If you feel you identify with one of these "in between's," do not be discouraged, it is a really easy mistake to make.

For the past three years, my husband and I have been involved in an incredible ministry - Celebrate Recovery. Now, this is not a paid advertisement for CR, but I seldom find the truths of the program irrelevant from a spiritual discussion such as this. The first thing that blew me away upon entering CR was the lack of a veil; though it was a unwavering biblical ministry, there was no pretense or "fakeness." Having just [physically] recovered from a miscarriage and in desperate need for emotional and spiritual recovery, I begrudgingly stumbled back into CR, hoping to find at least one person to relate to my current mess of a life. I sat in a big group I did not want to be in, and listened to an older gentleman talk about how he was celebrating several years free from a sexual addiction that involved pornography, prostitutes, escorts, you name it, this guy had done it. But not since he had found the support group of CR. I rolled my eyes thinking he must be the exception to the rest of mankind, because real, lasting change couldn't happen for "people like that." I went to the small women's group upstairs and disclosed that I had just had a miscarriage at 6 weeks gestation. After the group sharing was closed, I had at least 5 woman come up to me and say that they had also had miscarriages, and I was not alone in my suffering. Then, one woman I still remember very clearly, because she is now a very dear friend of mine, said "I'm sorry about your baby." The past week had been full of doctors refusing to say the word "baby," referring to my loss as the loss of a "pregnancy" or "tissue," and in that they had denied my suffering. The body of Christ scooped my heart up off the floor and validated my grief. Since this meeting three years ago, I have met several more brothers and sisters in Christ who have come out of the adult sex industry, the gay lifestyle, alcoholism, drug addiction, severe depression, abusive marriages... the list goes on. The reason why this is SO relevant, is because I've never once heard one of them excuse their behavior because God doesn't expect them to be perfect. On the contrary, we acknowledge that in the flesh we would be hopeless, insane, people who desperately needed a Savior. And we have accepted His unconditional forgiveness, while still striving to correct our negative behavior and put it behind us in order to glorify Christ and fulfill His purpose for our lives.

No, the bible does not instruct us to be perfect or tell us that we will be judged by a perfect standard. However, Christ states at least 100 times in scripture that we are to be set apart as He was in His time on earth. This instruction does not translate to a judgmental, haughty, prideful attitude, nor does it call us to a nonchalant, lukewarm attitude. Christ enables us to find the balance of loving others and leading them to Him through the power of the Holy Spirit. He calls upon His children to show the world that they are loved by Him, through our words and our actions. We cannot fulfill this calling if we are too busy trying not to make the unsaved uncomfortable. You cannot lead the masses if you think, act and speak just like the rest of them. We are obligated through the Lord's commands to put aside our sinful behavior and be sanctified in Christ. Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

"I do not ask that you take yourself out of the world, but that you keep yourself from the evil one. You are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify yourselves in the truth." John 17:15-18

"I appeal to you brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God - THIS is your spiritual act of worship." Romans 12:1

"Since we have all these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God." 2 Corinthians 7:1

A Not-So-Different Sin...

I saw an article being circulated the other day about "why homosexuality is a different kind of sin." And I don't mean any disrespect to the author, I think he/she made some wonderful, eloquent points. However, I disagree with the overall idea that homosexuality is a more severe sin or will be judged more harshly by God.

The person that wrote this started by saying that homosexual relations are clumped in with the things in scripture that God says He hates. And that's true! The scripture cited is 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of Heaven? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor drunkards, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God." For the record, I LOVE when God says "do not be deceived-" that's how you know He's about to get serious with whoever's listening, like He wants to say "stop lying to yourselves!"

I guess the conclusion we were supposed to come to from the original article was that homosexuality is unique because it is being promoted by society right now, it is the new 'thing' society is attempting to convince us to accept as normal. And while that might be true, homosexuality is not exclusive in that respect. Let's look at the things Paul lists before he mentions homosexuality and take an honest look at society's perspective on them;

Fornicators - anyone who is engaging in sexual acts before marriage, either with multiple people or just with someone they're not married to. Last I checked, our entire culture is up to our eyeballs in sex everywhere we go, every day. And it is so deeply ingrained in the fabric of our society that it is almost odd, no, it is ODD to find a form of entertainment that doesn't mention sex or shove it down the throats of those who partake. Almost every single "Best Picture" nominee for last year's Oscars had graphic sexuality and nudity in it. "Wolf on Wall-street" had so many graphic nude scenes that the reviewer for Plugged-In said "it was hard to tell where one scene ended and the next began," relating it to that of a pornographic film. "Game of Thrones," which is a wildly popular show among church-goers and non-church goers alike, also contains graphic depictions of casual sex, fornication, adultery, the list goes on. People who have decided to save sexual acts until marriage are mocked on almost all public television channels, made out to be "freaks," no matter what their motives are. So I think it's safe to say that "fornication" is also a sin that is wildly endorsed by society.

Idolaters - anyone who has idols in their life that they devote more to than Christ. This is almost everyone, myself included. We live in a "what's in it for me" society where we do not partake in things for the good of others unless there is some benefit to self, including how it makes us look, or how many "likes" we can get on facebook. For many these idols could be themselves, their children, their spouse, their possessions, their job, their bank account, etc... the list goes on. It is extremely challenging for myself to stop at the beginning of every day and devote my day to the Lord. I know this is true for many.

Adulterers - This almost made me laugh when I heard it said that there are no societal influences that seek to glorify adultery. There are entire dating websites dedicated to cheating on your spouse. That you can actually seek out other married people who want to have a one night stand with another married person. There are billboards, commercials, web ads, etc., all glorifying this one purpose.

Then, right in the middle of his list, Paul tells us homosexuality is among one of the sins God hates. It is not a coincidence that he also lumped them in with the other sexual sins that the people of Corinth were participating in, because they are not so different.

We live in a society where "friendship" is a forgotten and lost art. I read a separate article the other day where a woman was saying she turned thirty, and realized why her relationships with men had never worked. What brought her to this epiphany was the fact that she fell in love and found the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with - who just happened to be a woman. Whether that made her a "lesbian" or not, she really was indifferent to, because "to her it was about love." A lot of the foundation of the "gay agenda" is built on the principle that it's "about love," and "people in love shouldn't be denied the same rights as everyone else." And while that's all well and fine, the problem isn't that she deeply cared for and loved another woman, there was no sin in that. The problem was that we, as a people, have somehow become convinced that being "in love" inevitably leads to sex. While Jesus was on earth, he had several (twelve, to be exact ;)) men that He loved deeply, had profoundly intimate relationships with and served to the point of washing and kissing their smelly feet. This was the truest example of Godly friendship, and there was nothing wrong with it, the example He set for us was perfect. The problem is that we've lost this. I don't even see much of it within the church anymore - maybe it is because we fear TRUE emotional intimacy, maybe it is because we are distrusting, maybe it is because we don't know how to follow Jesus' example anymore. Whatever it is, our ideas of friendship, love, sexuality, intimacy, even marriage, have been perverted. And I'd gladly make the argument that it began being perverted when society began shoving sex down everyone's throat and making us think that casual sex was a normal, perfectly acceptable thing. And no, this is not a "new" issue, it was obviously taking place when Paul wrote his letter to Corinth, or he wouldn't have spent as much time on it. But it's the same problem that's created a sex industry that is RAMPANT all over the world, bringing in TRILLIONS of dollars to those who market it. It's the same problem that has influenced men to think they have the right to treat women as if they are nothing more than a physical body that was made for their pleasure, and even act on it as long as there's enough excuses to explain it away. It is FAR too common. It is the same problem that convinces young women that their virginity is no big thing, and that they should give it away as soon as possible and just "get it over with." AND it's the same problem that has convinced us that if we love someone, sex ought to be a natural element of the relationship. We put physical intimacy before emotional intimacy and try to draw out the same satisfaction, when in reality, it can't be done. It's a cop out.

Deep breath.

The point, at the end of all of this, isn't that homosexuality is OK, or that it's less significant than heterosexual sin, quite the contrary. My point is that none of it is new, and all of the problems have fed off of each other since before Christ died for us. We have been tricked. We have been tricked into thinking one type of intimacy can fulfill the need that we have for emotional intimacy, "Philia," or brotherly love. I have several women I have known in my life that I have loved deeply, and that heck, I'd be thrilled to maintain that relationship for the rest of my life. I have a couple of male friends that I have known for many years that I also love and care for deeply. But God didn't design marriage for brotherly love. He gave us the gift of sex, to be used within a marriage of a man and a woman, to demonstrate love to one another and bring us closer in our marital relationships with one another through the experience of physical intimacy. If someone gave me a really nice purse... (I'm out of touch with labels these days) but let's say someone gave me a Coach purse. And I decided I could do better than whoever designed that purse, and I decided to spray paint it all over, bedazzle it, and add keychains from the dollar store to it. That's what we've done to God's gift. We've cheapened it by thinking we could redefine it and do it better. My point is that homosexuality is not "the big problem," it's a symptom of the bigger problem that affects everyone, which is sexual sin.

So -- what do we do about it? Are we supposed to be against it? Are we supposed to accept it? I think it's funny that this question comes up SO much because nowhere in scripture does Christ say "now, go forth and handle this sin issue." He is on the throne despite what's happening in congress, and that's always been true. I think that as a church we have also been greatly deceived into thinking that because scripture speaks out against something, we must wholeheartedly resent the sin.  And God never tells us to do that either. What He DOES tell us to do is to be an example for others in our life and the way we live. He tells us to be in the world but not of the world. He tells us to love one another. He tells us not to sin. And I think that all of these things will look different for different people, because those who are following Him and submitting to being led by the Spirit will be prompted to live slightly different from the next guy. So submit your will to His demand and commit to being led by His spirit. He will not take you where He cannot protect you.

"Body Shaming"

I know it has been a while since I have blogged. For a while, it seemed that the tunnel we were in had no end, and it was beginning to wear on us as individuals, and as a family. Luckily, God provided a step out of that tunnel and we have been able to return to  a pretty stable place, with hope of becoming even more stable soon.

I have been on a journey to better health for over a year now and during the last few months, I have really started to accelerate in the weight loss department this year, as my thyroid is finally functioning optimally (for now, at least) and I have re-surrendered my struggle with food to the Lord.

Because I really become encouraged and motivated by motivational fitness images, articles and success stories, I often find myself knee-deep in the ongoing societal controversy about fitness inspiration, vs. promoting eating disorders, vs. fat shaming, skinny shaming, etc... And quite honestly, I think anyone who is paying any attention would agree that it's all gotten ridiculously out of hand. People are SO eager to be offended that a simple compliment about ones' level of fitness can be turned into "fat-shaming." Or noting that someone is extremely thin becomes "skinny-shaming." I have even personally been attacked from other heavy, or plus-size women that believe that my efforts to pursue a healthier life are proof that I "hate" my body or theirs.

I am being very honest when I say this: you will never hear me say "I hate my body." Why? Because it's simply not true. I love my body, even though I am uncomfortable with how unhealthy it has become. My body has allowed me to aid in the creation of TWO miracles; my two healthy, beautiful children! My stomach is covered in stretch marks and will probably never be magazine-cover worthy, but those stripes represent a gift I was given, that several women are not. My body has two legs and two arms that allow me to do everything I need to do in my daily life, including chasing my rambunctious almost-three year old and squeeze both of them full of love multiple times a day. My body has two eyes and two ears that allow me to take in God's creation all around me. This is not to say that it is perfect, because it isn't. I have a thyroid which refuses to function consistently, frequent migraines and a large amount of body fat that I don't need. But you will never hear me say that I hate it.

All of that is to say, my journey to better health has nothing to do with my disapproval of myself or my body type. Because I love my body, I want to care for it better, so that it can function as well as possible for as long as possible. God made it, Jesus died for it, the Holy Spirit lives in it, so I better take care of it.

As far as "body shaming..." you can only feel the effects of that if you are ashamed to begin with. I'm not. :)

Cherish

The last three weeks have been a surprise pothole in the midst of the valley we were already walking through. A pothole that knocked our whole family down for a little while and brought us to a point of surrender once again.

Two weeks ago, my sweet friend had to bury her second baby due to a freak accident that claimed his little life. I grieved alongside her 18 months ago when her sweet baby girl suffered a similar head injury and also passed on. Her little girl, Amariah, was almost the exact age of my daughter, almost to the day, and her death rocked my world. Since then, not a day has gone by when I have not hugged and kissed my babies multiple times, made sure they knew they were loved, and made sure that I'd been present in every precious moment of their growth and development. It changed me. It woke me up. Then her little boy, Obadiah was born, and their was healing in that for his parents, I'm sure. I was at peace knowing that some part of their hearts were restored by his life. Then, exactly three weeks ago, he pulled a piece of furniture down on top of himself and suffered a traumatic head injury. He died the next afternoon. This may seem strange, because he was not my baby, but I cried myself to sleep that night. I went into both of my babies rooms and cried, held them, and prayed over them. I couldn't fathom or wrap my mind around why God would ask someone to carry such heavy burdens. It didn't make sense.

The following week after Obi died, my daughter was emotionally wounded by a friend in a way that will affect her for the rest of her life. I felt betrayed and helpless. There comes a time in everyone's life when they realize that not everyone around them abides by the same boundaries, and that some well-intentioned people can flat out hurt you. They learn betrayal. And I had allowed my children to grow up very slowly, in the hopes that this would not happen until much later in life. I felt blindsided by this sudden ripping off of a protective band-aid I'd put in place through my parenting, and foolish for not realizing the selfishness of others could deeply affect my family.

The days that followed were dark. I kept repeating to myself the last two paragraphs of the serenity prayer; "taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, NOT AS I WOULD HAVE IT. Trusting that you will make all things right, if I surrender to your will. So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with you forever in the next." The first time this came into my head I said "no." I didn't want to accept the sinful world as it is. As far as I was concerned, the sin and the evil in the world SUCKED, and I didn't deserve to be affected by the sins and the selfishness of others. But then I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to consider... "why? Why don't you deserve it?" Well, the truth is, I don't deserve any better than anyone else. I am a sinner. I am an imperfect person who loves Jesus. The next step of my thought process was "well, fine. Well, my kids don't deserve it." Which was when the really hard pill to swallow appeared - My kids aren't perfect either. We are born sinners. Granted, there is an age of accountability where this sinful nature does not impact our spiritual destination. However, my kids disobey, my kids are selfish, my kids have lied to try and get out of trouble before. Last I checked, that's considered sin too. Ouch.

I forced myself to go to CR last week, even though I absolutely did not feel like it. Not even a little! But I knew I needed to be with my sisters in Christ. I needed to be loved on. I needed to let this burden go. So I shared and sobbed in my big group. A sweet lady who I've known for a while came up to me after and very gently said "Rebekah, you shouldn't be afraid of sorrow and you shouldn't be afraid of grief. That's where you are right now. Embrace it and let Him heal you." AH, there it is. The reason I needed to be there. She proceeded to say "I'm guessing your spiritual gift is mercy, is that accurate?" YES! I exclaimed. I hadn't even thought about my spiritual gift for a while, because when I was not walking in the Lord's will, someone said to me "I'm guessing your spiritual gift isn't mercy huh?" Anyway. I said yes, and also that I hadn't even taken that part of myself into account for some time. She said "See? This is that part of you coming back out again."

The conclusion here is that we are not promised immunity from the sin of the world we live in. We are never told that any of the battles here on earth will be easy. The sin of the world and the humanity of people around us will affect us as long as we are living here, until we are joined with our Father in eternity. Amariah and Obadiah are already experiencing the glory of eternity. They are free! Though we grieve about our loss, we are overjoyed to know we will join them someday. Until then, we will continue learning the lessons that we are asked to learn.  We will cherish our children and their sweet little personalities, and take the challenges as they come. God is with us, so we can't go wrong.

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.

Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.
Trusting that you will make all things right, if I surrender to your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with you forever in the next."

Enough

I've been finding more and more often that My Heavenly Father likes to incorporate themes in His teachings. This year, and especially these past couple months of unemployment, the word that keeps coming up in my life is "enough."

He IS enough.
I HAVE enough.
I DO enough.
I AM enough.
And finally, in regards to my battle with weight, I've HAD enough.

In Celebrate Recovery, they frequently reference the verse "My grace is sufficient for thee, my strength is made perfect in your weakness," but the translation they use is "my grace is ENOUGH." And I love that. You don't need anything else in order to overcome your weaknesses. You don't need to cultivate self discipline out of your own strength; it won't be sufficient, but His grace is.

I think it's amazing how quickly your priorities can adjust. Before we became unemployed, I was very "wanty." (yes, I realize that's not a real word) But I was almost constantly thinking of things that I wanted to add to my collection of "stuff." I always wanted new clothes for my kids. I over bought so much, that every time my favorite consignment sale rolled around, I had DOZENS of items to put in the sale that had never been worn, new with tags. It was ridiculous. I bought clothes for myself in order to ignore the fact that I was gaining weight - I didn't want clothes that felt snug because I was in denial. So I spent hundreds of dollars on clothing items that were essentially tents to hide my shame. Yuck. I was just constantly living in a state of "want." It was a bit ridiculous. Several times I felt called to formally surrender my obsession with money and belongings and I ignored it because it did not sound fun to follow a budget. When we went to work for Boys Town, I started realizing how serious my money obsession was because I started feeling such a sense of pride and relief in how much money we made. I think it's tacky to talk about dollar amounts on social media, so I'll just say we lived very comfortably while working in Tallahassee. It was odd because I was convicted by the relief that I found in financial freedom. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with well-earned financial freedom and I applaud those who are finance-savvy and have created a good life for themselves. Money is not the root of evil. The LOVE of money is the root of evil, and that was what I was looking at in my own life. So then, suddenly, we found ourselves unemployed. Our freeing income was cut off. Our living situation was snatched out from under us two weeks before Christmas, and something miraculous happened - I had enough belongings. Actually, I had MORE than enough. I had enough clothes. I had enough shoes. My kids had more than enough to wear. We very quickly realized that we had been blessed with plenty, and my obsession with accumulating "more" suddenly dissipated. Glory to God.

On the topic of doing enough, I have always caused myself to feel guilty about the amount of things that I do. I thought, "well, look at this Mom on pinterest, she works out, cooks wholesome meals, does fun crafts with her kids, has her hair and makeup done every day, her kids speak mandarin and she PROBABLY has a mind blowing sex life." Mommy's who are laughing right now because you can relate to feeling inadequate compared to these Moms, stop. First of all, remember a lot of people only advertise the parts of their life they WANT you to see. That's the wonder of social media, you can portray whatever type of person you'd like to, if you work hard enough and spend enough time on Instagram. Stop comparing. If you know your babies are loved, taken care of, clean and healthy, you do enough. That's all there is to it.

Lastly, I have gone around in a vicious cycle with my weight for over a year, it's actually really dumb. I cried out in frustration in the general direction of my husband the other night (yes, in the general direction, it was quite incoherent I'm sure) "it's just so frustrating because it seems if I don't surrender this struggle daily, I fail." He wisely responded, "isn't that the point?" Bazinga. That is the point. God knows we have struggles, weaknesses, footholds and addictions. We live in a fallen world and until we have joined Him in eternity, this WILL be the case. The point of a relationship with Him is to surrender these battles and step back so He can go before you every day and ward off the demons who tap (and sometimes bang) on your door. Give it over to Him. His grace is enough.